The Top Five People you stalk on Facebook

Whatever, don’t act like you’re not guilty.

1. Your Barista

He is usually a lot nicer than most of your friends.  Possibly even more pleasant than your current boyfriend or girlfriend.  He really digs the NPR sticker on your car and you dig that he digs it.  You did not know his name until stumbling upon their FB account and you feel bad but how does one ask someone their name after three months of a relationship?  Not to mention you’ve never seen his feet.  He never forgets your order and you just want to see what his interests are and if he has a girlfriend.

2. Your Ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend

Her profile is completely public because she is far from internet savvy.  She even has prom pictures from 2005!  Who has those up for public viewing? You can tell she has gained a  little confidence since then and you commend her on that. Go girl. But, you still can’t get onboard with her constant Spotify updates.  Her preference for Edwin McCain only means one thing: She is about to get engaged to your ex-boyfriend.  But her occupation is listed as “soul searcher” and let’s be honest, that makes you feel a hell of a lot better about your mid-level account executive job.

3. Current “Thing”

He or she is not an actual “thing” yet but you  really want them to be.  This one is much easier to stalk, I mean monitor.  You guys are Facebook friends of course and even check in together occasionally.  You make sure there are no other guys or gals posting on their wall that shouldn’t be.  (aka exes)  More importantly, that nobody more attractive or more interesting is chatting them up too much.  You browse their tagged photos because those are the most revealing.  You even contemplate writing a cute, inside joke on their wall so people think, “Hey, these two really hang out a lot.”

4. That random you’ve never met

This person has all the qualities you look for in a friend.  They probably have super cool tattoos that you’ll never have.  You have over 40 mutual friends and follow each other around on FourSquare but have yet to meet.  This person even likes your shit sometimes.  Kindred spirits perhaps?  Spirit animals?  Probably.

5. Yourself

This is a given.  In order to see yourelf as others do, you must step outside of your own bouginess for a few minutes if not a few hours.  You browse your profile like a stranger would.  “Oh, you like Ray LaMontagne do you?”  Check to see if any of your weird apps that should be kept private have posted on your wall.  Nobody needs to see the pizza picture I posted to an app that nobody uses.  It is also important to see if your postings have been annoying or semi-annoying.  Chances are high that you have talked about the same topic three times that day.

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